The government have promised not to sell Coillte. But do we trust them with the mountains, and the sky? Darren Caffrey isn’t so sure.

our custom, your custom

I’m interested in purchasing something of beauty.

Oh of course, well you’ve come to the right place. We are renowned the world over for our national treasures. We have cliffs, upon which birds see all. We are an island, so really our coastline runs forever, perhaps I could interest you in a length of your own.

Well I must say I had my eyes on those forests.

Which? We have many, not as many now as once but still a dense enough concentration of trees to leave you spellbound. You do know the story of the trees, the wee folk?

No I am not familiar, oh you mean leprechauns, the little men.

I do indeed…

No I would not like to take on a franchise, I’m actually more interested in a natural commodity.

Well then of course, the wee men’s gold would do you no harm, to be sure.

Yes, look, I’m looking for a piece of the future, I’m not interested in the past.

No of course, nor are we. We do a roaring trade in family shields, could I interest you in a Doyle or a Shaughnessy, perhaps an O’Something, O’Malley maybe?

No, did you not hear me? I have no interest in your past or your people, I simply want a stock to add to my portfolio.

Well yes of course, and a fine one it is too. Well then I’ll have to be showing you the door. If you’ll just follow me out here– we have an abundance of natural splendour.

Now where do you keep your sky, I’d like to see something in a bluey grey, or a bit of salmon pink.

Oh, you know the tale of the salmon no doubt?

I don’t, and I don’t wish to.

Oh you do.

No I don’t, now tell me what you have in green.

Oh well as you know yourself we are an island of green, so really wherever you look is green– or if not then of course we could have it painted up specially for you.

No I am currently only interested in what is naturally green, trees and so on.

So your interest really is in the green stuff, ah, well then this one over here is as good as you’ll get, and no mistake.

Sure.

Oh to be sure sir, and I can see you know your own mind. You know what we say about a man who knows his own mind…

No.

Well sir, we say his hands will be as full as his opportunities are great.

Oh yes, now, mountains, I want some small mountainous areas. In fact I would like the lot. Of course I will not take them now. I will come back for them.

But you’ll take the forests then?

Yes, I will take them here and now, I will be in touch about the rest.

Oh you’re a good man, so generous. So that will be the forests and the mountains, would you like for me to take for them both now, or will I just put it on the tab?

Oh yes do please; sure you know you can trust me.

Oh please sir, I would trust you with the keys to my own home, it is our custom. One hundred thousand times over.

Darren Caffrey is an artist and writer. So far his works have been included in various websites and online journals, as well as one very small but no less important ink and paper publication. He also performs live: Friday gone he was part of a two-man collaboration which sought to evolve a response to the question of limitless dimensionality and good old fashioned teamwork — the idea being that two egos working together can make the world a little bit of a better place, asking why is it that the political system has failed so many when the egocentricities of such a body are undoubted and numerous. Is it that the problem is one of honesty?